The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
I yearn for sleep… I do remember mornings when I woke refreshed. I even remember throwing the covers off with a zest for the new day.
Over the last 6 months, however- as the painful process of divorcing my husband drags on – sleep has been a rare event. I go to bed at 11 every night, and lie there tossing and turning; any small thing – a radiator creaking, or my daughter coughing – sparks another round of activity. The clock glows beside me – it feels worse if I don’t know the time. Eventually, exhaustion kicks in, at midnight, one, two o’clock, and I sleep. I open my eyes to dark; 3 or 4 am. I toss and turn again. If I’m lucky, sleep returns. I always wake before the alarm, these days – or when the week-day alarm is set to, at the weekend.
Even a daytime nap is beyond me. I carefully darken the room, loosen clothing, close my eyes… and I jerk awake. Now wired, I lie there for a while, in case the rest is beneficial; then give up.
My eyes burn all the time. There’s a headache that doesn’t ever go away. I occasionally stagger from sheer exhaustion; if I bend over and stand up, I need to wait until the world stops spinning before carrying on. I feel dirty the whole time. Earlier today, I found myself wondering whether it would be possible to curl up on the warm, fine tilth of a field and sleep forever…
I vaguely remember this phenomenon from when my daughters were babies – but then, it was a time of joy, and growth, with each day bringing pleasure alongside the zombieness.
Please god I can entice sleep back into my life when some part of this endless process concludes…
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