Second attempt at this story, with the first few paragraphs amended. Which is better? How could I improve it? All comments welcome!
She popped her head into the cathedral on the off-chance. She liked the tall ceilings, and the echoes of past lives; but it felt empty now. She turned, and scraped a foot against a loose tile. The atmosphere changed.
Mike froze, trying not to alter his breathing. Julie and the kids were still asleep, huddled under their space blankets. He grew aware that his head was poking out of his. He would be radiating like a furnace… He opened his eyes. It was still deep night, the cathedral’s ruined spaces lit only by the moon. They said that you mustn’t look at them, or they could always hunt you down – but he was desperate to see.
From where she had settled, high up on a wall, she watched his bright aura blossom as he came to a crouch. Beside him was a diffuse glow, several life forces, promising bright, delicate tenderness. She rubbed her mandibles together indecisively, and tapped her forefeet, dislodging dust. The treat, or the more complex meal? The decision was made as he looked up and around. The connection between them snapped into place.
<about 1000 words more…>
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2 responses to “Connections 2”
You must be being much more subtle than I am, or I’m just being dozy, but I can’t see the difference. It’s a delicious story. Horrible but delicious. The only thing that grates (mildly) apart, that is, from the multifaceted eyes, and I can see why you need that adjective, is the phrase that he was “unable to tear his eyes off the thing”. The words “the thing” broke the flow for me.
You have a really nasty imagination. I’m glad to say.
I love it when people can identify the point where things jar! OK, so what can I use instead of “the thing”? – he doesn’t know it’s a she-spider at this point, or even really that it is a spider. Would just “unable to tear his eyes off it” work for you instead?
Thanks for the compliment 😀 *evil laugh*